Take apart an old Magic 8 Ball. Drain the blue fluid, remove and wash the multi-sided die. Find a hipster with a lot of free time. Shouldn’t be hard.

Here’s where it gets a little sketchy in terms of ethics and social acceptability, but sometimes you have to do some unsavory things to get the best possible results.

Tie up the hipster and keep him in your basement, feeding him occasionally and giving him bottles of ironically nostalgic beer, like Pabst Blue Ribbon once in a while as a treat. Keep the die in a little velvet sack in your nightstand. Why velvet? Yes, it’s a little theatrical, but it takes a lot of little touches like that to make having a man tied up in your basement feel classy, or moral.

When you are having a hard time deciding a course of action on an important matter, grab the velvet sack, remove the die and walk downstairs. Give the hipster a good rap on the beard to wake him. This isn’t to be cruel, it’s to activate the beard’s magic. Grab a tuft of the hair of his head and raise it up (You should be wearing gloves for this, by the way.), exposing the neckbeard fully. Now poke the die deep into the neckbeard, and, once secure, ask your question. Then, with the hand still holding the tuft of head-hair, shake vigorously until the die falls out on the floor, displaying your answer.

This is a lot more dependable than the Magic 8 Ball, but a lot less appropriate for parties.